Staying alive and ensuring happiness

Cruisers Guide To Cruising Part Dos (again…)

Being sick sucks a monkey’s boto. But anyways I have some time on my hands so I decided to add to my cruisers guide. It has come to my attention by a very reliable source that I forgot guideline two and went on to guideline three. So lets back track a bit and do the second one!

But first some thoughts that I have from the past couple of days:

Thought #1: I just found out about this group of Asians called Wong Fu Productions and instantly became a fan. No don’t harrass me for being gay cuz they’re all dudes. Actually it doesn’t really matter because the people that would harass me for being a fan of dudes would harass me anyways and I’ll just have to endure. But anyways I like their vids because they’re creative, mostly funny, and usually have very mean chicks in their videos. They do crank you with their serious love stories, but those are good too. Fuckas gonna harass me for saying that too. Anyways check them out at: http://www.youtube.com/user/wongfuproductions?blend=1&ob=4

Thought #2: My psych prof is one might fine cougar. I say that because today we got the sex lecture and man was it enjoyable. I didn’t learn anything because we all know why we have sex; because it is fucking mean! But what made it classic was when she was explaining to us how some author wrote a childrens book telling little kiddies what an orgasm feels like (meanest childrens book ever!) by saying it was like the feeling before you sneeze. She goes on by saying “if that were the case, I would always carry a tin of pepper with me at all times.” FUCKING MEAN!

Thought #3: After watching those videos by those Wong Fu guys and observing some things over the years, I find myself in an interesting void. I feel like if I want to charge the chicks that are in their videos I must change the way I live. Obviously the grass is greener in Cali, but there are other things too (no offense to my chick friends in Seattle, Hawaii, or anywhere but Cali). One of these questions is should I charge fobbies or local chicks. ABC’s,J’s,T’s,K’s, and all the other American born greatness our country has to offer are included in the fobbies category because they’re pretty much the same when it comes to what they want in men. They want dudes that have money, who will spend that money on them, and who will do a bunch of shit for them. This may offend some of you American born greatnesses that read my blog, but don’t worry its only my opinion and what does that amount to? Almost nothing (but deep down, you know I’m right). If I wanted to charge some of these ABwatevers then I would need to spend an assload of money and be like those pansies on those Asian shows. No thank you. So that leaves me with the local girls from Hawaii. See these chicks are so used to ticknesses back home and when they come up here and see nothing but scrawny Asian dudes like me, there’s a void for them. They probably don’t want to downgrade to some puss in college just because he’s convenient. Unlike dudes, chicks can resist the need to charge the other sex for long periods of time. It’s like those nuclear submarines that can stay underwater for about a month before coming back up for air. So with all of that said, what do I do? Do I spend it up and get me a fobbie or do I bulk it up for a local chick? Both take a lot of work and not cruising so I’m going to have to take some time to think about this.

And now for the part that I know one of you look forward to reading:

Cruisers Guideline #2: Refrain From Showing Off

Every single time I’ve seen someone show off before it looked lame. There are many negative things people say about people showing off. I hear people say “how’s that douche?” or “fucking lame!”. I mean for all the effort it takes to show off and make yourself look like an asshole, you’re really gaining nothing. That is obviously not cruising. Even at the clubs where there’s a “dance off” (if you’ve never witnessed these things, it’s basically a few Asians at a club that try to do their best ABDC impressions. In my experiences they’ve been lame) and the guys doing their crawling and popping shit on that gross ass dance floor almost always go home empty handed. Why go through all that trouble to dance in the circle (showing off), roll around on that gross ass floor, and make yourself look like an idiot? Now I’m sure, since my blog is reaching an astounding 35+ viewers that maybe .3 of you are those that do these “dance offs” and will rebuttal by stating that it makes them look cool and you love it when the crowds cheer for you, but in the end dude ultimately what has the dancing done for you? I mean if I wanted to go see some mean acrobatic shit I could just go up to the housings in Hanapepe where there’s 20 buks living in one house and I guarantee you I will find a better dancer than you.

Now ofcourse there are going to be exceptions (as expected). When you get broken off your ass you can show off because everything you do and say when you are broken off your ass is never put on record. When you are broken off your ass and you do something stupid, it’s not your fault. No one is at fault. It’s just funny as shit. Also if by doing so will guarrantee you hot ass puss by the end of the night, then it is permissable to show off. Just as long as you can tolerate the eventual consequences that come with letting yourself look like a dumbass and potentially give your hommies ammunition for future harrassings. But other than these two exceptions, and maybe more, showing off is completely unmean and not cruising.

Glossary:

I noticed I use some lingo that may be unclear to my overrall audience so here’s vocabulary words to add to your dictionary:

Mean: good; good looking; something positive. “Ho that girl is mean!” trans. “that girl is pretty”

Unmean: not good; ugly; something negative

Fucking Mean: Ultimately positive usage of the word mean. Very few things could be meaner that things that are fucking mean.

Fobbie: FOB (fresh off the boat); person not from America. mostly targeting Asians

Tickness: very muscular; Joseph Mecham

Monkey’s Boto: Monkey’s penis.

Gay: Unmean (not homophobic. I don’t hate on gay’s)

Cougar: lady who is in her 40′s-50′s of age but still fuckable

Hanapepe: Town on the island of Kauai in Hawaii

Buks: filipinos

Cruisers Guide To Cruising Guideline Dos

Ok guys since my insomnia is acting up again, I decided to throw in the second guideline in my cruisers guide. But before I do that I have some thoughts on my mind that I think I should get off of my head.

Thought #1: When you post pictures on Facebook, take the extra time to make sure the pictures are not sideways. I’m sick and tired of looking at pictures where I have to turn my head on the side because the pictures are 90°s sideways. Why the fuck should I have to take the extra effort and strain my neck to view your damn pictures? If you’re computer illiterate than I can tolerate  this but if you are a repeat offender or are computer literate than I can no longer tolerate your dumbassity. For those of you who don’t know how to edit images with photoshop or any other program, you can still rotate the damn pictures in Facebook. The reason why I decided to write about this is because in my news feed today someone posted sideways pictures and it pissed me off so much that I deleted them as a friend. So if you want to retain our friendship status on Facebook, rotate your pictures so that they’re not sideways!

Thought #2: Life is expensive. I owe about $530 to my roomate for rent, utilities, and random shit we buy at Costco, $55 for parking, and about $150 in traffic tickets. Man this sucks but fuck it because it is reality it must be paid. The reason why I brought this to your attention is because in the fairly near future I plan on doing something for spring break. I’ve pretty much narrowed it down to two outcomes: go to Vegas, or put in a bombdigity stereo in my car and go on a road trip. I’ll leave it up to the no more than 10 of you that read this thing to help me decide on what to do.

Thought #3: So I fell asleep while watching some shit on the History Channel about the world ending in 2012. All I can say is that sucks and that for the next three years left in this world I plan to cruise the shit out of it; thus bringing me to:

Guideline #3: Smile

To begin I must stress that cruising isn’t an established quality of life. There are no experts on cruising as cruising is not a closely studied subject. The reason why I am writing these guidelines is because I feel everyone should exhibit some qualities of cruising and I use famous people who do exhibit these qualities as a form of reinforcement to illsutrate the positive outcomes that can occur when cruising. No one successful, not even myself, can be considered true cruisers as true cruising is not an adequately productive form of living. There are instances when one must drop the cruising mentality and actually put hard work in order to ensure the accomplishment of important acts. With that said, I am just writing this to teach the masses how to incorporate cruising into their everyday life and hopefully help them to live more enjoyable and stress-free lives (and this is a great form of procrastination and time waste management).

So back to the guideline. Smiling is important for every lifestyle. I’ve  heard, as I’m sure you have as well, that it takes less muscles in the face to smile rather than to frown. So already physically your body is cruising more. Also when you smile you feel better, even if you are forcing yourself to smile. It makes your heart fell a little bit lighter and stress seems to just melt away. Although smiling doesn’t make things any easier than they actually are, watching someone do a task while smiling always produces an aura that makes this person seem like an expert at accomplishing this task. So by smiling, even if the task is extremely difficult, it will make you look like you are doing the task easily and enjoyably.

Now, like in almost all of my guidelines, it shouldn’t be used all the time. Obviously. You wouldn’t walk into a funeral or after witnessing a very emotionally scarring moment like watching your team commit a bunch of errors and being swept in the ALDS with a fat smile. So don’t smile all the time but smile as much as possible. Here are a few famous people that I consider very influential in the creation of my cruising guidelines that smile and can be considered followers of cruising.

Cruisers Guid To Cruising Rule One

Time to dust the dust off of this thing and write something. I’ve been meaning to make guidelines for certain activities that I enjoy in life. Such activities as strip clubs, reviewing pornos, and sleeping but nothing is more important to me than the activity of cruising. So I present to you the rules – no wait thats rules aren’t cruising – the guidelines of cruising!

First I must tell you what cruising is. It is the act of doing things the most relaxed as possible. It is not taking the easiest route or slacking because that constitutes poor or lacking outcomes. Instead, cruising is more doing things but making them look easy, or make it look like you are exerting the least amount of energy as possible. I guess you could say cruising is doing something and making it look like you are taking the easiest route or slacking, but in reality it isn’t. A good example and someone who is one of my heroes as he is one of the kings of cruising is Carmelo. He’s cruising because he still gets shit done like show up to a game and score 20 points but he looks like he isn’t even trying when he’s on the court and importantly he does it with a smile. He’s scoring 20 points, which isn’t easy, but he’s making it look easy and he looks like he’s slacking. Now you may say that because he makes it look easy, he could score more and be one of the league’s top scorers like Dwayne or Kobe, but that wouldn’t be cruising. Cruising is doing work with the minimum amount of energy and Carmelo is only exerting the the minimum amount of energy to do work, which is to make the team, coaches, and fans happy and this is done by winning and he wins on the court, and at life. Oh and BTW, cruising got Melo the 12th best scorer in the NBA.

If you like physics shit, work = force times displacement. So if we incorporate cruising, cruising = minimal work = minimal force times required displacement and can be defined with the equation below:

C = Wmin = Fmin x dreq

So there you have it, a basic explanation of cruising and here are some basic guidelines you should follow if you want to pursue this persona. If any of you have any questions, please feel free to ask questions and I’ll try to answer them for you.

Guideline #1: Always be down to go out as much as possible

If you don’t do anything, you wont accomplish anything. When you go out and do things you do work. It’s pretty simple. Whenever someone asks you if you want to go out say yes. The only times you should say no is if it will have detrimental effects on future cruising. An example of saying no to going out would be studying for an important exam that you are sure to fail if you don’t study for it. This will cause you to prevent yourself from  graduating, causing you to have no money, causing you to not be able to pay for anything when you go out in the future.

This also doesn’t mean doing everything possible. This only pertains to doing things that are fun to you. So if some douche asks you to do some lame ass progress report or to do someone else’s work, don’t do it. Only do things you like to do like parties, clubbing, or sex.

Even though going out means going out to some lame ass party, bar, or event, you still have the potential of having something awesome happen. I’ve gone to some parties, thinking it’ll be awful and coming out meetin some cool people or doing something super awesome due to the party’s guests diging from the awful party. The sky’s the limit and you’re not going to reach the sky if you don’t start jumping.

So when someone asks you if you want to go someplace, you know what to say.